we'll go far in life on tits alone.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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