I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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