I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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