Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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