If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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