Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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