my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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