Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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