I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Randomize
