Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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