Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
