I wish I could teleport
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I touched a dick in church today
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
