Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
