I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
try to milk me bitch
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