I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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