If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
