Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
