so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
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