remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
