When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
