My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
