I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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