im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
