Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
