i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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