OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
