i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I will be naked everywhere
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
as a side note pls kill me
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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