i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
