oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
