Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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