I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
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