I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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