Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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