my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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