just survived the first fart of the relationship.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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