there's paper in my vomit.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
