wanna go halves on a baby?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
