I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Randomize
