Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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