Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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