HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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