I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
