I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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