i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
