Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
handjob tips. give me some.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
