You smell like stripper and shame
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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