I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
