If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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