hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
my phone needs a breathalizer
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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