mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
