she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
