mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
