have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
We just shotgunned beers for America
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
