I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
