I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
