Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
