I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
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