Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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