i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
